Are you alright? How are you?
I asked you. You said you were doing fine. You smiled at me and laughed. I watched you tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear, with that big smile still on your face. You took your mug from the table and wrapped your hands around them. I watched you took a sip, closed your eyes for a few moments as if savoring the taste of your cappuccino. You asked me how I was, told me you missed me and said how happy you were that we had a chance to talk.
Do you remember everything you told me that night? I still do. I still remember them very clearly.
You lied to me.
I asked you if you were alright and you told me you were fine. You said I was over reacting. You said you’re perfect, everything in your life was perfect. I saw you laugh it off like it was nothing. I thought it was nothing. But deep inside I knew it was something. I ignored it because I trusted you to know yourself better. You said you’d tell me if you needed any help. And I promised myself I would be there whenever you need me. That simple thought was enough to convince me, so I let it pass.
I should have kept on asking until you were forced to tell me. I should have been there. And I am sorry because I ignored your silent plea for help. I should have known that deep inside that strong woman lies a fragile little girl.
I never knew you were drifting apart, each day a piece of the girl I knew slowly fades away. I never knew you were hiding behind the shadows, cowering in the darkness alone and confused…and lost. I never knew you were suffering, every second felt like being stabbed by a knife over and over again. I never knew any of these.
I never knew you needed me.
Because you never told me! How could you? How could you do this to yourself? The girl I knew and adored wilted away into the dark winter of depression. Alone and cold with no one to give her warmth. You should have told me. I would have been there for you. I would have pulled you out of the darkness.
How could I have been so clueless?
I was blind. I should have seen the signs. I should have noticed the dark circles under your eyes you tried so hard to conceal. I should have noted the way your smile never quite reached your eyes. I should have never been fooled with your diet excuse for not eating properly. I should have understood the moment I first saw you staring into space. You had this glassy look in your eyes, as if you were thinking about something important.
I was deaf. I should have listened more carefully. I should have noted the change in your laugh; it was too loud and a bit forced. I should have been there when you were screaming for help. I should have heard your cries at night, forcing yourself to be quiet as you hide under the covers. I should have been there…I should have been there.
I was neglectful. I should have known the moment you distanced yourself from us. I asked you why, you said you were just busy trying to focus on your work. I should have known you were trying to sort out yourself. I should have stuck myself to you like glue. I should have never let you push me away. I should have known…I should have known.
And I am sorry, I am sorry for being blind. I am sorry for being deaf. I am sorry for being neglectful. I am sorry for not being there when you needed someone. I am sorry for letting you push me away. I am sorry for making you feel alone.
You were never alone. You will never be alone.